I’m not at all gay, but since my wife was gone for the day I fired up my laptop, grabbed the lube and oogled luscious early 80′s bareback manmeat in the 1983 feature film Gayracula!

The movie opens with a procession of monks carrying a coffin into a cave. They open the coffin to reveal a man inside. Instead of sucking his cock, the monk takes out a wooden stake and hammer – they don’t want to fuck him, they want to kill him! Of course, there are a lot of monks and he doesn’t have that many holes, so maybe they are just making a new one. I remember wishing at this point that they would hurry up and fuck him because it’s hard to fast forward when both hands are covered with lube.

Gayracula awakens, turns into a bat off screen and flies out of the cave – effects no worse than other low budget fare, surprisingly. Except the bat has humungous fangs. Apparently the dude’s teeth don’t change size when he transforms. Also, he flies a bit drunk. Once outside the cave, he poofs back into Gayracula and shows us what he’s packing.




We are brought back to the year 1783, where a courier drops something off for the Marquis De Suede and is convinced to stick around for the night. After all, as the Marquis says: “You have done me a great service. Now I must service you!” Finally, hot throbbing mancock! This is an early 80′s gay porn, so most of the sex scenes have blowjobs, assplay, bareback fucking, and loads and loads of slow-mo everlasting loads. Some scenes also have kissing and rimming (and biting, of course). Not that I have ever seen any 80′s gay porn before because like I said, I am straight.





Well it turns out that the Marquis is a vampire, and when the messenger boy wakes up the next day, he is our hero GAYRACULA!





We jump forward 200 years. Gayracula narrates that he has heard the Marquis is in LA and he is going there to exact revenge for being made into a vampire. When the coffin is delivered, his manservent Boris molests the moving guy. This wakes up Gayracula and the guy says “It looks like we got some company. You want some hot f-fuckhole?” Gayracula answers, “Yesh, but I don’t like shloppy sheconds.”

It’s hard to talk with fangs in.

Gayracula procedes to bite the guy’s ass.





Apparently the Marquis is running a nightclub. He is running it poorly, because no one is there but Gayracula and the performers. This part of the movie gets boring, until a dancer comes out who waggles his cock around and poops out metal balls. I think it might be illegal to show an animated screenshot of this, so I didn’t make one. Also, it seemed kind of gay, and I didn’t want to give the wrong impression.

Anyway, the metal poop excites Gayracula, who immediately gets onstage and presents his ass to the dancer. Then he invites the Marquis home, has sex with him and Boris, then apparently kills the Marquis in the damn narration. Weak. I was hoping he was going to choke hm to death with his cock or something. Might as well, if you’re not going for the PG-13. Know what I’m saying?

I’m pretty sure that a chunk was cut out of the movie at this point. There was probably an epic vampire battle in a restaurant or something, because in the next scene we see, Gayracula is pining after some waiter twink that has not yet appeared in the movie. It is at this point where a new vampire ability is revealed. I’ve seen flamboyant gay guys snap their fingers before, but I had no idea it made twinks appear. I thought only devils could do this:




So apparently, he’s in love with this guy and doesn’t want to suck out his bodily fluids… well, you know what I mean. With only an hour to go before sunrise, and a bit peckish, he books it to the local bloodbank, where apparently there is a line of people looking to give blood at 4:30am. He rips the needle out of a poor guy’s arm and gulps down all the blood that had been collected. Then he turns to the guy who runs the bloodbank and says, “Feel like havin some fun?” Immediate cut to two guys having sex with Gayracula watching. Gayracula must have been spent – dude has dropped his delicious load like five times so far this movie.

He high-tails it back to his house where his new lover is waiting for him. They make out and then do what can only be described as “some frollicking” in the pool. The sun comes up when they are still outside and Gayracula

Spoiler Inside SelectShow

This was a very good gay vampire porn movie, second only to Interview with a Vampire. I’m completely straight and I came twice during the 1:08:00 runtime, AND considered letting a cucumber molest me. Hardcore quotient is right around 50% so if you cut out all of the XXX, you would be left with a thirty minute movie that wouldn’t make any more sense than it made with the XXX scenes, except that a lot more can be forgiven a filmmaker if he shows you some good man-on-man rimming. Michael Bay, take note!


P.S. – I’m not gay.


Gayracula (1983)


Gayracula (1983)
1 vote, 4.00 avg. rating (85% score)
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